fraudulent activity

Sometimes I feel like a fraud.

The facts are these: I was anorexic. I severely restricted my diet. I was addicted to exercise until I was too tired from malnutrition to do it anymore. I lost 65 pounds in 8 months. My body revolted. I stopped having periods and even now, over a year since I finished therapy, I am still dealing with irregularities. I am also still dealing with digestive issues that my restriction brought upon me.

But sometimes I don't think I suffered enough to really say I was anorexic. I only dealt with it for about a year and a half before I got help. It was my decision to seek help. I was in therapy for just 3 months (although I would've stayed in longer if I could have). With the support of my amazing and dedicated friends and family, I have beaten anorexia. Yet, when I tell people my story I sometimes feel like I just didn't suffer enough. Why did I have it so "easy"? Was I ever really afflicted if the road to recovery has been so smooth for me?

But here's the truth. It wasn't always so easy or smooth. I remember times when I would just break down. I was so frustrated with everything. Why did it have to be me? Why was I a prisoner in my own mind? Why couldn't I think about anything but food? I hated being a slave to Ed (my oh-so-clever name for my eating disorder). I couldn't remember life before Ed. And I'd think of the future. Another day, another month, another year, a lifetime of being obsessed. A lifetime of eating and dwelling. A lifetime of worrying about gaining an ounce, of how I looked in that shirt, in those jeans.

Gradually, I have begun to shed those thoughts. Ed and I have separated. Believe you me, he is still in my head. I will never know life like it was before Ed. But I am not Ed's slave anymore and I will (and do!) know life after Ed. I know freedom.

A few days ago I went hiking with a friend from yoga teacher training who has had different, yet very relatable experiences as I have. We were discussing this when it dawned on me: recently I've made it quite clear that I have converted and truly believe in divine intervention. Suddenly, I realized I am not a fraud. My case was never meant to be one of the extremes. I suffered exactly as I was supposed to in order to find my purpose in life.

I truly believe I was meant to go out into the world and help people who have had experiences such as my own. My battle was really just an acquisition of the tools to do so. I have always looked back on my struggle with compassion, almost glad for the experience, as I have come to love myself in a way I never have before. But when I came to this realization, in the middle of the woods, something amazing happened. I truly felt love for my experience. I felt love for Ed. Of all the things to love. I love Ed.

And I forgive him. Never in my life have I felt what true forgiveness is like until now. Almost instantaneously, I felt a sweet release. See, now, Ed is on my side. Ed works for me. Together, we are going to get to work to try and help others. I am going to try and reach out to as many people as humanly possible and if I can just help one person even the tiniest bit then I will be a huge success.

It's time to hit the road, stray from the beaten path and spread the energy of love, compassion and truth. It's time to act.

And I'm taking my yoga mat along for the ride.