fraudulent activity

Sometimes I feel like a fraud.

The facts are these: I was anorexic. I severely restricted my diet. I was addicted to exercise until I was too tired from malnutrition to do it anymore. I lost 65 pounds in 8 months. My body revolted. I stopped having periods and even now, over a year since I finished therapy, I am still dealing with irregularities. I am also still dealing with digestive issues that my restriction brought upon me.

But sometimes I don't think I suffered enough to really say I was anorexic. I only dealt with it for about a year and a half before I got help. It was my decision to seek help. I was in therapy for just 3 months (although I would've stayed in longer if I could have). With the support of my amazing and dedicated friends and family, I have beaten anorexia. Yet, when I tell people my story I sometimes feel like I just didn't suffer enough. Why did I have it so "easy"? Was I ever really afflicted if the road to recovery has been so smooth for me?

But here's the truth. It wasn't always so easy or smooth. I remember times when I would just break down. I was so frustrated with everything. Why did it have to be me? Why was I a prisoner in my own mind? Why couldn't I think about anything but food? I hated being a slave to Ed (my oh-so-clever name for my eating disorder). I couldn't remember life before Ed. And I'd think of the future. Another day, another month, another year, a lifetime of being obsessed. A lifetime of eating and dwelling. A lifetime of worrying about gaining an ounce, of how I looked in that shirt, in those jeans.

Gradually, I have begun to shed those thoughts. Ed and I have separated. Believe you me, he is still in my head. I will never know life like it was before Ed. But I am not Ed's slave anymore and I will (and do!) know life after Ed. I know freedom.

A few days ago I went hiking with a friend from yoga teacher training who has had different, yet very relatable experiences as I have. We were discussing this when it dawned on me: recently I've made it quite clear that I have converted and truly believe in divine intervention. Suddenly, I realized I am not a fraud. My case was never meant to be one of the extremes. I suffered exactly as I was supposed to in order to find my purpose in life.

I truly believe I was meant to go out into the world and help people who have had experiences such as my own. My battle was really just an acquisition of the tools to do so. I have always looked back on my struggle with compassion, almost glad for the experience, as I have come to love myself in a way I never have before. But when I came to this realization, in the middle of the woods, something amazing happened. I truly felt love for my experience. I felt love for Ed. Of all the things to love. I love Ed.

And I forgive him. Never in my life have I felt what true forgiveness is like until now. Almost instantaneously, I felt a sweet release. See, now, Ed is on my side. Ed works for me. Together, we are going to get to work to try and help others. I am going to try and reach out to as many people as humanly possible and if I can just help one person even the tiniest bit then I will be a huge success.

It's time to hit the road, stray from the beaten path and spread the energy of love, compassion and truth. It's time to act.

And I'm taking my yoga mat along for the ride.

To Have Known

Today I believe I truly, for the first time in my life experienced Radical Self Acceptance. I was thinking about 3 yoga teachers who are the most influential to me-- 3 teachers who I would love to emulate when I step onto my mat as a yoga instructor in just under two weeks. In the past I have worried and giving myself grief for not being exactly like one or the other. "Why am I not as technical as he is?" "Why is my yoga not as physical as hers?" "Why don't I feel as graceful as she is?" It is toxic to the mind to think this way, to think that one is not good enough for not being exactly as someone else.

Today, as I was laying in savasana and, as it so often does, a thought suddenly dawned on me: there are ways in which I am similar to these instructors and ways in which I am not. And what a blessing for all of it! These are three people who I look up to more than anyone else and to be able to see even the tiniest bit of myself in them and them in me... It is such a beautiful thing. It felt to me like instant rapture. I thought and really, truly felt, "I am so happy that I am me!" What I am is perfect for me. And what I am is me. It was truly Radical Self Acceptance.

We close our yoga classes with the saying, "I honor the light in you that is the same light in me. When you are in that place in you, and I am in that place in me, we are one." I have never understood this mantra quite so clearly as I did today, having finally accepted/embraced/fallen in love with the light in me. Nothing is quite so freeing as relenquishing your hold on the battle against being your Self. To be your Self is the easiest thing you can do.

In continuing with the "high" of Radical Self Acceptance, I was in another yoga class this evening and I couldn't help but love myself more everytime I corrected my alignment, or fell out of a pose or just plain was not "perfect." I've never smiled so brightly inward before. I was just being me and being with me and that was the greatest thing I could possibly have been at that moment.

I've come to see that it is all in the way that we are towards ourselves. Taking a step back from the mental abuse I am capable of unleashing on myself and turning it into something positive is the key. No, I'm not exactly like those other instructors but I am an interesting mix of so many things and I will bring something new to the table. That one thought, that one idea changed the entire day for me and indubitably it will change my entire life henceforth. It lead me to acceptance.

In yoga class, when attempting a pose that has been difficult for us, maybe it is a certain backbend or a binding pose or what have you, we often say that once you do it for the first time, you will always be able to do it. You'll know what it feels like to do it and it will progressively get easier for you to do. Self acceptance is the same way. This is the first taste of it for me. Feelings wane and change but having found this feeling, if even for a day, I know that I will always be capable of it. It is with me now. And because of that I am with me.

I truly honor the light in you that is the same light in me.

it begins at this moment (originally posted 10/22/2008)

The saying goes that yoga begins at that moment when you want to come out of a pose. Your leg starts to shake a little, the heat your building up seems to increase exponentially. You aren't in pain, but you sure as heck have been more comfortable in life. You feel like you've been holding for ages and your brain gives a tiny squeak, you think, "Just let the instructor say 'release', already!" But instead the instructor says, "3 more breaths." You think, "Three more breaths?! Is this a joke?!"

Yoga starts.

You stop your brain from screaming and you focus. You turn inward and you breathe, and you survive. You move on to the next sequence.

I never realized until tonight, how much this would come in handy outside of the yoga studio. I'm not in pain, but I sure as heck would say I've been more comfortable in life. Admittedly, I needed my time earlier today to be upset, and I was. I felt a little overwhelmed. But underneath it all was this sense of calm. I know it'll all work out, this is a hiccup. This is my thighs burning in Warrior II. But it always starts with the little brain scream, "Is this a joke?!" and then, just like in class, you breathe. I'm breathing through it. I'm calmer because deep down I know. I know that I've done a lot to surprise myself, and there's no reason this shouldn't be another example.

And there's always this one thing to look forward to: before I even know it, the instructor (should I capitalize that word?) will say, "Release" and it'll be time for the next sequence.

The pleasures of heaven are with me, and the pains of hell are with me.
The first I graft and increase upon myself.... the latter I translate into a new tongue.
Walt Whitman